I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
