p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
