I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
