This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
