The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
