Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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