Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
