There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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