I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You made out with two different species that night
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
