Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize