im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
