Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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