Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
