Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I need a burrito and a hug.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
