if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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