there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
