I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
