Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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