I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
