I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
