you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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