Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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