i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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