walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
