I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
