Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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