Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
