The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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