Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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