it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
