He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
