My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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