my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
