I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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