i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
smell my finger.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
