Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I wear drunk well.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
