and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
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I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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