just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
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Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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