Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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