It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
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Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
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And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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