Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
