I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
