If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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