Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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