I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
