how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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