"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
