Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
