If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
