I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
