ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
drinking out of a sandbucket again
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
