I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
