Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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