What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
