I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
