I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
