I wannas sexs uuuuu
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
