I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
