he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
