im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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